How Could I Forget

Sometimes, in the business of life with 4 kids, I forget.

I went to a Christmas dinner with my husband lastnight and I was reminded. Reminded of a season in my life that shouldn’t be easily forgotten.

There was a speaker at the dinner lastnight who shared his testimony with us and I was deeply touched by it. I love some testimonies, but this one was so relatable. So close to home in a lot of ways. I was reminded.

This particular family had so much similarities to a season in my life that it was almost scary, except my story didn’t end the same and I left the dinner lastnight with a heavy and thankful heart.

They had twins and they were born early, as mine were. One of them was weaker and smaller than the other, as mine were. With each word he said about this season in his life, I could feel and see my season too.

She had to have a blood transfusion, so did mine. Ventilators, heart monitors, tubes, pic lines. All of it. I could see my girls there in the incubator like it was yesterday. My heart. My life. Clinging to life.

The more he talked, the harder it was. One of his twins grew stronger while the other grew weaker. I know what they felt in those moments. He talked about how tough she was. That all the pokes and needles didn’t phase her like it should have. Mine too. As tiny as she was, she was a little warrior.

The story took a twist and I found myself feeling so unworthy, because things didn’t turn out as good for them as it did for me. Their faith was strong then. Mine wasn’t. They prayed and trusted God, and so did I, but I didn’t have a relationship with God then like I do now. They did.

Their baby girl got worse. Mine got better and I felt guilty for that. Because they were close to God and they didn’t get to keep her. She died, and mine lived. That could and should have been me, but it wasn’t.

I got to go home to both of my girls lastnight and they only get to go home to one of them. I can not imagine how they feel. I felt so guilty. I cried all the way home.

My husband wasn’t there in that season. I can’t explain it. Only those who have watched their babies born prematurely know. There are no words to describe the moment to moment life in the NICU.

I know that God doesn’t make mistakes, but I couldn’t help but wonder why I got to keep my girl here and they didn’t. They were married like they were supposed to be. They were involved in church like they were supposed to be. They were established financially and able to provide without government assistance like they were supposed to be.

I was living in sin, unmarried. I attended church, but I didn’t get the full meaning of salvation. Their father couldn’t keep a job and we lived in a 2 bedroom trailer that my father owned. I had to get government assistance to get their formula.

It just didn’t seem fair. I tell my kids “life isn’t fair”, and it’s true, its not. Their father walked out on us and chose a life of drugs and this father was by their side through everything. How does that even make sense?

I get why people are angry because they try so hard to have children and last week they found a baby that had been thrown in the trash and found in a landfill in a town close to where I live. Seriously?!

I can’t carry this guilt, because I know that God has a reason. That family that touched my heart so deeply knows that God has a plan too. I’m sure they wouldn’t want me to feel guilty for being able to kiss my girl everyday.

I admire their courage to tell others their story. About how God did amazing things through that baby in a short amount of time. She is still shaping lives, She reminded me lastnight of how blessed I am. How my girl lived for a reason.

How she shows me all the time how to be brave and persevere. She teaches me so much and she has no idea. She doesn’t believe me when I tell her she’s the toughest chick I know. I really mean that. Her fight from the moment she was born has taught me so much.

Im truly heartbroken for the loss of this family’s infant child. They can’t forget and I forgot. I forgot how scared I was, how unsure of everything. How hard and difficult it was to see this tiny baby go through things you can’t imagine. I forgot, and they reminded me.

I don’t ever want to forget or take it for granted. I’m grateful to have her, and I’m thankful for the changes God has made in me since her birth. It hasn’t been easy and it hasn’t been fair, but it is always good.

I know He has a plan, and I needed to be reminded of that season again. Of how He has a purpose. How he makes no mistakes. How blessed we are. That He is in control and always has been. Even when I didn’t live for Him.

He just wanted to remind me how He’s never forgotten me, and He never will.

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