Life 11 years ago

Today I celebrate 11 years of life for my girls. I had life before them of course, but my life never had purpose until the moment I knew I was pregnant.

I literally felt it the moment that pregnancy test showed a positive result. It could have been a state of shock, but it changed me that very moment.

I couldn’t believe that I could be pregnant. I hadn’t planned it of course. I always dreamt of having children. I just never thought it would be a reality for me. I was wrong.

Their father and I weren’t married. We were living in sin and although we both knew that; we didn’t want to get married just because I was pregnant. We did want to be married eventually though. It wasn’t our top priority.

He had only been out if prison maybe 6 months when I found out I was pregnant. So, we were exploring life after prison at that time. It was rocky. It was hard. For both of us.

Being pregnant on top of that chaos was really hard. Really exciting and a huge blessing to me. To us, but so very hard too. It was no struggle for me knowing that my life was about to change dramatically. It already had. The moment I knew there was a life inside of me.

Looking back, I know it had to be hard to deal with for him. He was struggling with a life of just us. Now there was someone new coming. His responsibility as a man and Father was heavier now.

We dealt with it separately. All I knew was he seemed happy about it. Proud to be a father. Blessed. I thought he could handle it. He could have, had we dealt with it together through the Lord.

Our first ultrasound brought us another surprise. I was carrying twins. Talk about jaw dropping shock! I was speechless. All I could say was “wow”. He asked if they were joking! I wish I had a video to capture that moment. It was a life changer too. Double the fun.

Double the love! Double the diapers. Double the crying. Double feedings. Double sickness. Double everything! I’m having two babies at one time!! What?! Two? I was blown away with just knowing I had a baby growing inside of me. I have two! How blesssed I am!

He was shocked longer than I was I think. I think he struggled double after that. Now he had to learn life outside of prison and off the streets. He had to do it all while raising twins. We needed Jesus!

We went to church. Thank God for them! I probably wouldn’t have made it had it not been for prayers from my family and our church. He struggled hard. I know he tried to fight it. He wanted the “straight” life. He just tried doing it in his own strength.

A few months later. A couple jobs later for him too. (Gotta love that instability) I ended up in the hospital with possible preaclampsia. Turns out it wasn’t, but my twins were at high risk of dying. I had developed a condition that forms sometimes during pregnancy called twin to twin transfusion or TTTS.

Thank God they took me for an ultrasound the next morning after being admitted. They prepped an OR immediately and I had an emergency c-section. I was 32 weeks pregnant to the day.

They try to tell you what will happen, but there is only so much a person can take in being rushed into an operating room. They would be small. Possibly need a machine to help them breathe. They would have their own team of NICU nurses in the delivery room to take them as soon as they are out of the womb.

It was a whirlwind of emotions. I just had 2 babies and they were now under someone elses care but mine. I couldn’t even touch them like I wanted to. Machines beeping every few minutes. Their tiny bodies barely hanging on. NICU life is minute to minute. Things change so fast.

Life changed fast and as they developed outside of my body like they were supposed to inside, all I could do was watch. I had to leave them there and he and I both cried all the way home.

Now they are sitting across from me as 11 year olds. Life has changed so much since then. God has taken over and I can’t be more grateful for that. I’m so thankful He spared their lives that day.

I’m thankful that my world fell apart and He graciously put it back together. I’m glad He showed me that His way is the only way. I’m glad He was there then. I’m glad He’s here now. I’m glad He’s already faced tomorrow for me.

Mostly, I’m glad 11 years ago, he showered me with grace and mercy. He looked past my sin and He blessed me with beautiful twins. He is so good to me.


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