Keep Looking

How do you start when you don’t know just where to start? Like this load of something inside me needs to get out but I don’t know what it is to get out. It’s heavy. It’s hard to breathe and I don’t like it. So here I am, trying to get whatever it is out of me. So I can move on about my day. I could use a nap. That’s first for thought. Ha! Surely that isn’t the load I’m carrying. If so, then pillow here I come. It must be a cover up. It must be full of emotions or else my brain wouldn’t be trying to avoid it. I’m a get it done and over with kind of person. So. Let’s get it done and over with.

I just got back from vacation the other day. I love the ocean. I love it so much, but I only found moments of peace instead of complete peace and it left me disappointed. I’m grateful and I know my flesh is dissapointed and it’s not spiritual. I purposely took in moments with the Lord because I knew it was all I had. With 4 kids people, say what you want to. Mama’s do not get vacations. I got a vacation from cooking. I got a vacation from cleaning my house, but honey. My kids are still kids. They were still needy and whiney and fussing and all the same things they are at home.

Problems don’t disappear once you hit the road trip. I had different scenery which made it a little more tolerable sometimes. Other times I just had to walk away and take in the scenery alone because I was just burdened. I guess I’m searching for the vacation I had when I had my honeymoon. Crystal clear water. White powder sand. No kids screaming, total relaxation. Who am I kidding? Don’t get me wrong. I am very thankful to take my children on vacation. I love seeing them enjoy themselves, but when you have 4 kids and only 3 of them like the ocean what do you do with the guilt of making the other one come along because it’s the only thing to do? We aren’t made of money so when we beach it, we beach it. We don’t drive to the beach to go 1800 places and not experience the ocean.

We are an ocean planted family all the live long day and dinner out on the town. While we are out we explore the town and just wing it. No plans. Just us and the ocean. My girl doesn’t like the ocean. She doesn’t like crabs so she was not fond of the sand this year. Usually she is all about some sand castles,but this year, not so much. She was afraid of the crabs and we never saw any come out of their holes anywhere. She was just afraid. Like she’s afraid of bugs. The devil gets in her head and even though she’s never been hurt or bombarded with any bugs ,the devil makes her afraid.

She had trouble going to sleep at night because she things a bug may be in her room. I have to pray with her to even attempt to go to sleep. Lastnight that prayer didn’t help, so I had to go rebuke satan in her room because I know it’s him. Punk! Trying to ruin my sweet girl’s loving heart. I tell her that too. How else do you describe it? It’s an attack of the enemy and she can’t let him win. Jesus is in control and she is the only one who can make those thoughts change. She does too. Eventually she’ll change those thoughts and the devil is defeated once more. I love that part. But I get so angry.

I’m not angry at her of course. I’m angry at him. How the devil tries to weeble his way in somewhere by a little weakness they have. I have to constantly remind myself that God is more powerful and He is taking care of my children just like He is taking care of me. My therapist told me that I have a very strong protection instincts. They kick my tail. I try to be Jesus way too often and don’t even realize it. I just need to let go.  So, I’m trying. It’s all I can do. I’ll get there, I’m  not a quitter. So, If you feel lead to, pray for my girl. For protection of her mind and heart. To remember who has her. That her thoughts can be changed to the truth no matter what the devil tells her. Same for me. He likes to get in our heads doesn’t he?

I feel somewhat better now, let’s carry on. School. School is starting Monday. As much as I will embrace the alone time I desperately need. I will miss my children. Like how my little one (he’s 9, not really so little anymore) just came in my room and jumped on my bed and kissed my knee. Can I just stop and cry for a few hours? Time is going too fast. I know that is another thought that I can’t dwell on, but my feelings are in tune with this thought and now that he’s done it twice already just makes it that much harder. He wants to know what I’m writing and I didn’t let him read it. Because I’m afraid I won’t be able to hold back my emotions. So he hugged me and kissed me and told me he loved me. Thank You Lord for this child. For all my children!

My girls will be in 5th grade this year. Let’s stop now. 5th grade. I’m almost in shock about it. My brain doesn’t process that information like it should. They will be in 5th grade. How did I get here? Lord help me. Lord help them! I’m amazed. I look at them and see how far they’ve come. I’m so thankful. Twins are hard. They were even harder because they were preemies. They both have inattentive ADHD and so do I. So, it is a bit  of a struggle at times. They are so much alike, total opposite at the same time. Only identical twin mama’s can relate here.

My son on the other hand is a natural at all things. He’s teaching one of the girls right now how to jump on my bed and kiss my knee, but she can’t quite make it. So he’s picking her up and trying to throw her. It just isn’t working so well. It’s quite humorous. The other one just got out of the shower (rather quickly which is odd). I usually have to tell them to hurry up and ask them if they washed their bodies and hair. They get distracted and with one shower to share between 6 people. We gotta make it quick around here or we ain’t getting any hot water.  I need hot water. The shower is my sanctuary.

We meet the teacher tonight and I admire their excitement. I can’t say that I would have been that excited. School just wasn’t my thing. I’m grateful they like school. I just hate homework and the constant  reminder that they need to get it done. Pray us through it. I know if I go into this thing with a negative attitude it will all be wrong. I have to change these thoughts just like I tell my girl to. It’s a never-ending battle. I’m just glad that the Lord wins the war.

Family, let’s see. The drug addict (she would say differently of course) family member of mine is still making bad choices. Telling everyone her family won’t help her. Yet she knows why. She won’t leave her drug addicted husband who is supposedly beating her. No way can anyone help her if she isn’t willing to separate herself from him. She claims he has no one else. Guess what? Too bad sister. He doesn’t need anyone but Jesus and same for you girl. It’s exhausting and I try not to get to involved. If she could just see reality and not her perception of it. It sucks.

I’ve been somewhat in her shoes. I wasn’t a user though and I didn’t have my children taken away from me. I can’t relate to her on that level at all. I only loved one and that was bad enough. He was obsessed and if she is truly trying to leave him then I get that part. They won’t let you leave them alone. They stalk and they call and they threaten. Then you give in and do what you really don’t want to do to begin with. You end up hating yourself for it. I get the missing who they used to be part. I totally get it.

I get feeling so lonely you can’t breathe part. That if all you can have is the addict then that’s what you’ll take part. Maybe it won’t be so bad part. I also get the can’t take anymore part. The “you make me sick” part. The on your knees “get him out of my life” part. I get it all. I just don’t get the part where she chooses him over her children. I can’t get that part. I just can’t. That’s what hurt so much when mine chose drugs and women over us.. Over his own children. I just can’t.

I’m sorry I don’t understand. I’m sorry you may have to lay in your bed and cry yourself to sleep at night. I’m sorry that just getting through the day may be harder than you ever imagined. I’m sorry that you might feel like you just cant go any further in life. Those kids of mine that I needed a vacation from taking a vacation from are the very reason I am who I am. God gave me my children because He trust me with them. How can you walk away from that for a man who lies and cheats and steals? They aren’t old enough to know better yet. Tell me how his love is better than theirs? I just can’t get it.

The first day of my vacation I received a phone call to tell me that my cousin who is (was) in prison died. He had an aneurism and cocaine was in his system.and the cause of this incident. He was in his 50’s and has been an addict for as long as I’ve been alive. In and out of prison my whole life. He had a good spirit. Loving, kind hearted, hard worker. He could have done great things for the Lord. The devil got to him a long time ago. The man knew the Lord. He was raised in church, but I don’t know for sure if he’s ever asked the Lord to save him. I sure hope he did. I hope he’s in heaven when I get there. I loved him. Even through his faults.

I saw his potential. I was real and honest with him. I never sugar-coated anything with him. He respected me for that. I never judged him for all that he had done. I knew it was the drugs, but it didn’t make it ok. He never hurt me personally, but he hurt people I love through lies and deceit to get what he needed in the moment. Now he’s gone. He took that chance knowing this could happen and it did. I hate that he was running from freedom. The devil made it look so hard, but it was right there with him all along. The devil is powerful and he’s a liar. I hope his death helps someone along the way. I hope somewhere in life he made a right choice that none of us know about and we can see him again. If not, then I hope his life opened someone’s eyes to see what will happen if they don’t turn from their ways.

We’ve gotta pray for one another. The devil wants to take all of us down with all those we love. God will keep us safe, we just gotta keep our eyes on Him. Let’s keep looking.




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