I’m a bit aggravated this morning. I don’t want to be. I want to be jolly and free,but my heart is heavy and I’ve been much in prayer about it. I have my opinions and my thoughts and I intend to share them here. It helps me feel better. It helps me get it out and helps me release those burdens fully to the Lord. Now, let’s get on the subject that keeps recurring in my life and in the lives of those whom I love. You know that loved one a while back who was into drugs? Yep, here we go again.
Y’all, this person was not neive or oblivious to the damage that drug abuse can do to a person. They knew first hand what it does to families. To the many lives around them who get affected by it. They attended meetings for teens who have parents who were drug addicts. Yes, her father was one. He did more damage than imaginable. He’s dead now but thankfully he was able to stay clean the later part of his life. He died at a young age. He knew why. He knew drugs destroyed his life and the lives of his children. He also knew his child was aware of those things. I think he saw himself in her if I’m honest. He wasn’t close to her as maybe he could or should have been,but if she was a trigger for him to use, then I commend him for it. I’ve even told this person the same thing.
You see, this person whom is now ruining their own family and children with drugs doesn’t speak to me. They dont’ like the truth. Oh, I have some truth for her! I have tons of truth and it is too much to bear so she avoids it all cost. She covers it with words and not actions. She’s become a shell of the person she once was, or should I say the person she could have become.
Some addicts have no guidance, and that is sad. They grow up in drugs so it’s all they know. I understand that, not that it is an excuse, but I do see how one starts their lives that way. I’ve loved one like that. He had a crappy childhood with no guidance really. He had extended family who tried to help. Now that person is all he has and everyone else is gone. Including me and his children. The one person who is still in his corner isn’t in good health and once she is gone, he will be alone. In prison. With nothing. He knew better, it may have been harder for him to recover due to his upbringing, but nothing is impossible with God. It can be done. I pray that it still does happen, despite the struggles he is faced with.
Back to the current addict in my life. I saw her children yesterday. They’ve been doing pretty well to be honest. They have a great support system, but they just dont’ have stable parents. Isn’t that sad? I never imagined that someone in my family as close as they are (or were) would lose their children over drugs, or anything for that matter. It’s an awful feeling. Had I had the means and the room to take those babies in. You better believe I would have. They have a chance at life still. It’s sure not gonna be an easy one,but they do. The light in their eyes was gone yesterday.
My heart hurts just thinking of that sadness in their eyes. It’s just not fair. Why do they have to suffer because of their GROWN PARENTS stupid actions? I know we all do stupid things sometimes. I know I do not make the right choices nor say the right things as I should,but how on earth do you choose something over your children? It never crossed my mind to drugs. I knew the damage it caused my family back with this person was a small child. I was only about 12 when things came to a head for their family and it rocked our worlds. Hard! The Lord is faithful though, and hearts were healed and relationships mended. He is so good at that stuff. So, here I am stifling over this person ruining their children, when I need to be giving it to the Lord and letting Him do what He does best. My heart hurts for them though.
She is supposedly doing the right thing,but hanging out with her still addict husband whom is now a fugitive of the law. So, I’m sorry, but if you were “doing right”, you couldn’t allow yourself to be around such things. When confronted about these problems, she covers them with the sob story of his lack of support system and family near. She is in recovery (supposidly) herself and not finished might I add, yet she is guiding him on his journey of recovery that he hasn’t even started yet. Also, lying about the time they’ve spent together recently which makes it even worse. Believe me, I get the lying because of the judgement from people we love. I too loved an addict girlfriend, don’t even try!
I hid the fact that he spent more time with me than they knew. I didn’t want to hear it.I knew he shouldn’t be around me and the kids, but I wanted him to be clean and a lot of the time he would argue with me until I gave in and let him have his way just so he would shut up. I wasn’t an addict trying to start my life over. I hadn’t lost my children due to drugs. I detested drugs. I could have. He tried to convince me how good it would feel if I would just do them with him. I refused. There is the difference. She likes to prove her point by telling those who give advice she doesn’t like that we can’t possibly understand her situation or actions because we aren’t addicts. You’re darn right I’m not, you wanna know why? I chose not to be!
It’s my opinion and it may not amount to anything, and I’m okay with that; her addict line is crap. It makes me want to throw up. It’s fake and I don’t believe anything she says for one second. I can feel it in my bones that she is doing what she wants to do and trying to make excuses for it. She’d be better off telling us that she is chosing this because she wants to and we can kiss off if we don’t like it. I’d rather her say “I like doing drugs and maybe I shouldn’t but I’m doing them anyway despite the fact that I know better”. They aren’t capable of such truth. They can’t handle it. She was once a good mother,or so we thought.
She was guided to the Lord when her marriage started having issues and drugs were involved then. I even prayed with her about it. She knew the right path to take and seemed eager to take it. Something changed and she jumped on that opposing road and dug her heels in ready for take off. Yet we (my family and I) are all wrong and can’t possibly understand what she’s going through. I frankly don’t give a rats hinny what you are going through. You deserve every bit of it. She’s so ungrateful and her tears of gratitude are useless. Can you tell I’m angered and sickened by it?
Is this Christian of me? Aren’t we supposed to hate sin? I don’t hater her, I know her soul is good. I know she can recover fully and become more beautiful than she has ever been. I do not hate her, let me clarify that. I hate her choices. I hate her lies. I hate her drugs. I hate her lack of empathy for others. I hate her selfishness. I hate her manipulative ways. I can not stand the things she’s let destroy her and her family. I hate she put out that light in her children’s eyes.I hate her need to tell others what she is going to do and then doesn’t do. So, no. Maybe I don’t understand. I don’t understand how a person in recovery can push away the ones who have ALWAYS been there to make excuses for the one who helped put you where you are to begin with. I know recovery is difficult,but isn’t it about mending things that are broken and making peace with those you’ve hurt? Oh, she must be in a differen’t recovery program than the one I’m aware of.
I’m angry. I hate drugs. They are pure evil to me. Straight from the devil himself. No good thing can ever come from them, until the addict lets the Lord lead the way. Then a testimony is made and the Lord is glorified. How I love those stories. I love those truths. I pray she can become one of those stores someday. I pray for her soul and for the emptiness in her children. Her words seem so sure she is doing everything right and we are all “wrong”. She’s oblivious to reality. I hope she reads this. I hope she can see the truth, but she won’t accept it. Who am I kidding? God has to take care of it. I know that He will. I know He will take care of her precious children like He has my children and I.
If I’m wrong as a Christian for having these feelings, then I know the Lord will show me. Pray for me and this loved one. Pray for her innocent children most of all. That’s where my heart hurts the most. All the other stuff just makes me mad. It’s hard to understand as a mother, not just as family to these kids. How can a mother not look in her children’s eyes and see the emptiness there? How does she sleep at night? Tell me how!I know the pain that I felt from my children’s dad choosing drugs over them. That was a hard, hard thing to deal with. Hard to understand still, but I accept it. But Daddy’s don’t have that bond that a Mama has. No one can convince me otherwise. My very heartbeat by the grace of God helped my babies have life. If I caused them pain like I see in her children. Like the pain she went through, hell couldn’t stop me from making it right. It didn’t stop me.
I dug my way out of hell for my children to have a better life. I praise God that their biological Father isn’t around to show them the wrong path to take. To put that pain in them. I can never thank Him enough for that. As hard as it was then, I am so grateful for it. Every tear was worth the light in their eyes I see. She let sin in, I know that is the problem. I know in my heart that it is pure sin. I just can’t accept it though, because it can be removed. Jesus can remove it. He can remove and repaire and rebuild and replenish and make new like you wouldn’t believe. She doesn’t want it, and it sucks.It frustrates me and it breaks my heart to know someone you love doesn’t want His love to heal them.
So if she reads this by chance then it may seem harsh. If it is God’s will, then so be it. She knows in her heart and soul what the truth is. She also knows that I will feed her truth and until she is ready for it, staying away from me is what is best. Don’t waste the time of people who are trying to help you. I hate the very thing she chose to do. I could easily slip and fall into sin too .I pray that someone would tell me the truth too as harsh as it may be. Whether its drugs, murder,adultery, all those things that God warned us about back when Moses was doing his thing still remains the same. Drugs cause all of them. Just let Jesus fix it.
If you have a drug problem or know someone who does, Jesus is the answer here. Nothing we can do will help. Nothing they can do on their own will stick. Jesus does. When Jesus does it we won’t have to do anything but praise Him in the process. We will praise Him for saving those we love from that evil that has them chained so tightly. Freedom is possible. I’m giving it to the Lord. I can’t let her choices ruin the blessings before me. My opinions don’t change one thing. I’m human and will mess up too. I am not better than anyone. I blow it on a daily basis over here. I just hate drugs that much. I hate them with all that is inside me. I’d love to help her carry her burdens, but if she isn’t serious then I can do that. God doesn’t want us to be abused or used.
I forgive her, she doesn’t know what she is doing obviously, but it doesn’t exempt me from being angry about it. I trust the Lord and I know His will is perfect, so I will do what He asks of me, even if It doesn’t feel good. He’s good at getting me out of my comfort zone. Help me pray for those we love who are addicted to drugs and alcohol. It is hard on everyone involved and Jesus is the one we need.
Lord, I thank You for Your power. For Your ability to change people through Your salvation. I praise You for the wonderful work You have done in so many lives by freeing them from the drug abuse. I thank You for healing families. For healing hearts. I know You are the only way to freedom of any kind. God, You know I love her. I love her children. I love her mama and You know how emotionally involved I can get in their lives. Lord, I can’t do it. You can. I pray you show her the way. I pray You touch her life and let her know that You are the only way. I pray that we can see changes in her that You make. I pray You open her eyes and let her see her need for You and only You. Help her overcome the obstacles that try to stop her from turning to You. I pray the same thing for all those around me and their families who are affected by addiction. Thank You for helping me say no to possibly becoming one myself. You have blessed me more than I can ever say. I pray that others can see the blessings in my life because of You. Lord we trust You and we love You.
In Jesus name-amen