It’s been a little while since I’ve written anything. I’ve intended to. I really have. It’s been busy. Although that is no excuses not to write for the Lord like He has asked me to. It’s been busy and somehow a week or more has slipped and I haven’t written anything at all.
I have so much that I could write about but when it comes to me, I’m not able to stop and get started. Like I told my husband last night; it’s easy to get off track and hard to get back on. The right track that is.
So, it’s been eventful around here. No bad events. Business is a better word for it. This is the first morning I’ve had in what feels like a long time to sit down and take my time.(it’s really a week or so)
The kids are out of school now. It’s bittersweet. My girls are now headed to 5th grade. My boy, my youngest will be a 4th grader. I’m not ready. I can’t sit in those feelings though. I will drown myself in my own tears of sorrow. I don’t want them to grow up. Being grown up isn’t as fun as I hoped it would be.
I used to long to be grown. It is nice at times. You can do your own thing. Make your own rules. But boy don’t we pay for them? And bills? Ha! Being a kid isn’t easy either. I remember. Our kids need prayer people. This world gets meaner by the minute.
Speaking of being a kid;last week my girls had a trip to carowinds for a chorus trip. They had never been before and I knew that it may be a bit overwhelming for one of them (the one more like me). Bless her. She’s so much like me it’s not funny. She’s not a crowd lover. She’s not athletically inclined. She’s got a heart full of love and hope. She’s better than me though. She’s confident about herself in ways I never was. She isn’t afraid to use her talents in front of others. Not me. My talents were tucked away safe where noone could abuse them. So I abused them myself. I’m glad she believes in herself.
So, we decided we would go as a family to carowinds. They were to ride the bus and we would all meet there. They would sing first thing and we would play all day. Sounds fun right? But, ever since the day we decided this I had a thought reoccur time and time again. Would I fit on the rides?
Rewind about 20 years. I’ve always been overweight. Ever since kindergarten. I lost weight my senior year by help of diet pills and strict calorie and fat gram counting . Miserable. That describes the way I felt. Even with 80 pounds gone. May as well have been fat. So, needless to say I gained it all back and then some. I had been to carowinds and six flags several times as a child with my Daddy. I never had a problem with fitting in the rides. Although I may have been adult size as a child. I still fit. Until I went as an adult.
I don’t remember what ride it was. I don’t even remember if it finally snapped or if I couldn’t ride at all. I think it was a close call. I believe if I had to get off completely I would remember it, but many things have happend through the years and it’s possible I’ve forgotten. Oh, well. But it wouldn’t snap.
I was with a super skinny boyfriend at the time. When I say skinny, I mean like 110 lbs skinny. He was tiny and I was far from it. He hoped right on and the harness was a no brainer. Me? Well, it was obvious there was a struggle. I could hear people talking about it (loudly) in the line waiting to ride. That sucks. Word of advice. Keep your comments to yourselves people. Words hurt.
Like it wasn’t humiliating enough as it is having the worker and my skinny boyfriend see this struggle. People were now bringing attention to me as a joke. It was awful. So, even if I did ride, it sucked. If I didn’t it didn’t make a difference. The damage was done by that alone. People are mean. Even if they don’t intend to be. Although a lot of people do.
So, this episode kept replaying in my head as we planned a trip to Carowinds. I’ve had 3 children since this time. My hips have spread. Like they needed any wider right? I don’t remember what weight I was at 18. I think I wore about the same size I do now maybe a size or 2 larger. My brain took off with this and it took a lot of work to keep it under control.
I prayed I could fit. I didn’t want my children to see or hear people mocking me. I could handle it. My children didn’t deserve that. I didn’t want to do that to them. It’s the last thing I ever want. My children to hurt because of me. To cause them shame or embarrassment. I feared this. I prayed about it and knew that God would work it out. My anxiety subsided and indecided to let it be.
Trip day was here. I was in a good state of mind. We were ahead of the bus. We had to stop and fix a brake light, but we were still making good time. I remember feeling at peace. Looking at the sky, thanking God for my many blessings and for all He has for me. Not worried about fitting on those rides. Things turned really quickly.
When my husband drives, I don’t worry about where we are going. He knows what he’s doing. I enjoy not having to pay attention and look at the scenery. I had no idea how to get to Carowinds nor did I care. My husband had been there before and although he never said clearly he knew the way. He never said he didn’t either. But too much time went by and we missed a turn somewhere.
Thank God for Google maps because it got us back, but not in time to watch my girls sing in their chorus competition. I’ve never missed them singing. Ever. On top of that. They knew were supposed to be there and were to sign them out and make a family day of it. I wasn’t going to be there in time.
My heart was completely broken. I’m tearing up just typing this because its not something I do. I’m there for my babies. I want them to know I support them. I keep my word to them. I kept seeing their faces looking for me and not finding me. It hurt. Bad.
I had no idea where they were singing in the park. How would I find them? They are 10. They don’t have phones. Not gonna either. Although this is one time I wish they did. At least they would know what was happening. But nothing.
My husband felt bad. I know he didn’t mean to. My silence and tears flowing gave him an idea of how I was feeling, but there was nothing either one of us could have done. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t happy at all. I just wanted to find my girls and tell them how sorry I was. Then I wanted to go home. I wanted to be alone and cry until I got it all out. But we arrived at Carowinds about the time they were to start exploring the park. Singing was over now and they would be with a chaperone. Not me.
We still had to get tickets to get in the park. Talk about impatience. It was all I could do not to scream at everyone around us just strolling along in no hurry to “get out of my way”. I didn’t. I fought back the waterfall of tears while wringing my hands pacing back and forth. I couldn’t stand still in that line. I waited outside the line. I was closer to the entrance that way.
We get in the park and now the mission is on. Find my children while making sure my 2 other children don’t wander away from us or get snatched by a psychotic child abductor. However would I find them in this huge park with thousands of people? I prayed. Oh, and I just bought a new pair of shoes and they were now rubbing a blister on my heels. No stopping me though. Until I found them they could have rubbed to the bone. I wouldn’t stop until they were found.
They were with trusted adults from school. I knew they were safe. Thank You God! But I also knew they were disappointed I wasn’t there. They were worried. I had to find them. Pronto!! I ran into someone I knew with her kid from the school and desperately asked if she had seen my children. She guessed they went the opposite direction. I’m a big girl, but mama was doing some speed walking. Digging my heels deeper and deeper. Blister may as well be a good one! My husband saw them! Praise God!!!!
I cried. Their chaperone told me how good they did. Make it worse why don’t ya? I apologized. I hugged. They expressed their worry and concern. I knew they would be. Probably not to the extent that I envisioned, but worried none the less. I thanked God and we set out to seize the day. I was ready to go home and cry still.
I sucked it up and we came to the first ride. Nerves shot. With swolen, mascara streaked eyes and bloody heels. I agree to ride with my son on this ride similar to the carnival ride swings but much higher and in a more secure seat.
The seats look a bit narrow for these widened child barren hips of mine. I sit anyway. Ok. I fit! I pulled my son’s harness over his shoulders and buckled him in. I pulled mine down. Oh no. It won’t buckle. I push. I tuck. The lady isn’t around to us yet to make sure it is secured. I tell you I fight with this sucker and it is so close to buckling. But it won’t. I can see my husband watching and he can tell what’s happening. He agrees to swap places. He’s terrified of heights.
To save myself and my son the embarrassment of the worker telling me I can’t ride because I can’t fit. I hop off and tell her myself. That’s better than everyone waiting on me and watching and having my son witness it too. No thank you. I’ll take care of it. My poor husband bit the bullet and rode with my son so he wouldn’t have to get off the ride because his mama was too fat. Bless it.
My day went to squat in seconds. But, there is something different about me now. Fat or not, it didn’t crush my feelings like I expected it to. God knew I wouldn’t fit on that ride and he made a way to prevent the embarrassment I feared for my children. I was able to initiate the dreaded “I’m too fat to ride this” conversation and it all worked out. I didn’t ride rides that day. Ok, I rode the scrambler!
Most rides my daughter (the one like me) was afraid to ride and I was able to sit out with her instead of telling my kids I was too big to ride. God allowed that for me. I could see the blessing in it. I didn’t just see the bad. What a difference the Lord makes.
It didn’t go as expected. I was highly disappointed that I was late getting there, but we found them in a matter of minutes once we were in the park. God saw to that. Thank you God! I couldn’t fit on the rides with my kids like Inhad hoped I would. But God spared me the embarrassment of having someone else tell me with my children watching. Thank you God!
My mindset is changing and I can’t tell you how much. I used to dwell on the negative so much. It was always there. I couldn’t find the good. Even when I could. It wasn’t really good to me. The devil loved the self pitty and sadness I lived in for so long. Yes, it bothers me that I didn’t fit. I want more for my children than that. I want more for my husband than that. Who never complains by the way. Who loves every inch of me. Bless his heart. I want more for myself.
Next year (Lord willing) I’m gonna ride everything because I can. God tells me that I can do all things through His strength. I’m not diving head first into a strict diet, but I have started a change of life. A different way of eating that doesn’t deprive myself or make me miserable. It’s time that the outside of me reflect the changes God has made internally. The devil doesn’t want that. He tells me I will do what I’ve always done and revert back to bad habits. I just don’t believe him though. He has no room in my life anymore. His way of thinking and dealing with my life has not prospered. My life belongs to the Lord and anything the devil tries to throw at me. Well, it just doesn’t fit anymore.