I read something this morning that seemed pretty accurate. It said “my brain is like a junk drawer that has been emptied out on a trampoline”. Although it is accurate, eventually the trampoline would quit bouncing and settle. My brain rarley does.So at the most inconvenient times or when I least expect it something will trigger a memory of something that happened in the past with my children’s father and I will have flashbacks. They aren’t the kind that some people with PTSD have that are realistic. Where they actually relive the memory, but just the thought process. I have noticed that sometimes it comes back because I haven’t processed that issue and I have to take the steps to do that. Yesterday was one of those days.
So much happened in a short amount of time back then. Life was spinning out of control and I was trying to get a grasp on something. I was a new mama with my twins and drama on top of that was a bit overwhelming to say the least. So many things that happened I had to just force down and move on. Over a period of years they slowly surface back. I know that may be weird but it is just how I am. I’m wired that way I guess. I am a slow processor,but I’m getting better. Thank You Lord!
I was having a normal day the other day and I had one of those moments. Where a certain name I came across reminded me of an incident that was very painful, so instead of pushing it aside. I chose to deal with it and process it. It was a good thing. I was able to approach it from a different state of mind. I’m so glad for that. It still wasn’t easy. I don’t like emotions and y’all know I feel them all the live long day. Other peoples emotions affect my own and it wears a mama out. So processing my own is much more intense.
I actually came across this name the day before yesterday and chose not to deal with it. Word of advice: If you don’t deal with what the issues are, they will not leave. Yep, it temporarily went away and surfaced yesterday at the weirdest time. While in a drive thru waiting on our dinner. How weird is that? It’s just how I roll. I was alone. My husband was watching the kids. I had my windows down and my music loud.(not in the drive thru of course, that would be rude) So in this rare alone moment I had, my brain had to spring that junk up. Thanks brain. Thanks a lot.
So,I went back there. It is something that other people know. I’ve talked about it several times. I guess I just never “dealt” with it. It was time. I read in a book I had once that when memories come back like that to live them and then change how you react to them. To pray as if you were praying in that moment. So, my food was ready and the lady had her son with her. He was about 5 and he came with her to bring me my food and he smiled at me and said “thank you”. I cried. You would have laughed at me. I didn’t cry until I drove off,but it touched my heart. I knew that it was a blessing the Lord gave me for dealing with my issue this time including Him.
I don’t know if I included Him that day or not. I’m sure I did. I just saw God then as someone distant watching over me. Who had all the power. I didn’t realize that He was sitting right there with me that day. Not until yesterday.
This name that triggered my memory was a girl’s name. A girl who my children’s biological father messed with. We were already split up. He was still professing his love for me and wanting to be a “family”, but he was too far gone. I was just trying to stay alive at this point. He had already been arrested for the armed robbery and several other charges. He was out on bond. While he was in he met a guy who was a “good guy”. Aren’t they all? Well, he went to hang out one day after their release and lo and behold, he had a sister. Go figure.
He told me about her. I guess he wanted me to approve or something. I don’t know. Of course they were “just friends”. She was a little skinny thing with a bubbly personality and I was fat and pregnant with his son. Who would ever want me? I wanted so bad to have someone want me and him know how that felt. To rub my “friendship” in his face the way that he did his. I warned him that she was no good. I was just “jealous” though as he told me. They were just friends. He didn’t need friends like that. After all, she too had been in jail before for drugs. Why ever would I have thought she wasn’t good for him?
He was out on bond for armed robbery people! Like he needed to hang with his jail buddy and his drug addict sister! I was always wrong though, so I let it go. Until one particular day. I knew he was using again. It didn’t take long after he was bonded. I knew he was doing it with her. Meth. You just know. I knew. He wanted to come see us one day and things were fine. He was playing with the girls. They were crawling at this point. I was around 7 months pregnant probably. They loved him. He would always get on the floor with them and they would crawl all over him. I knew that he was looking at a long sentence being he had a previous record and all. I wanted him to soak in as much time with the kids as he could. I wasn’t bringing them to a prison to visit him. That is no life for a child. If they had been older and knew what was going on it may have been different. They didn’t and I wasn’t going to do it. He made that decision for us.
Everything was fine that day. Until he got a phone call. He hadn’t been there long but once that call came in. He was eager to leave. I asked him not to. He made every excuse to leave. I knew it was her. I knew she either wanted sex or had some drugs and he was eager for both. Why not feed both addictions at once right? So the arguing started. He got off the floor and stopped playing. I was wrong of course. I was always wrong remember? I begged him to stay and play with the girls. That I wouldn’t even talk to him.That one day he would look back and wish that he had stayed and played instead of leaving to get high. That he only had a small amount of time before his court date or before he got in more trouble and he could never ever get this time back. He started walking towards the door.
I asked him to make a choice then. That the rest of his time on bond would determine how he wanted to spend his time. To choose his children who were both crawling towards the door where he was. Smiling and laughing because he was fun and they wanted to play with him more. I can still see it so clearly. I asked him to look at their faces. I asked him to forget about me. That I honestly wanted him to be with them. Not be with me. I did .It hurt me to know that he would regret this day one day. I loved him despite all he did to me. I wanted him to savor his time he had left and he was blowing it all away.
He looked at them as I asked him to and he smiled. He even laughed a little. He thought they were so pretty and funny. He couldn’t help but laugh at every single thing they did. It amazed him. He laughed at them crawling towards him. He looked back at me and walked out the door. The girls stopped crawling and I just sat there. I knew he was leaving but I longed for him to stay so very bad. For those babies crawling in the floor.
He left and I was so empty. He walked out on his children. He had already done that before with his actions,but this time I made him choose verbally. He chose. He chose her over them. They were innocent. They were beautiful. They were his and he chose this girl and all she had to offer instead of true joy. I hurt for them because they didn’t know. I am glad they didn’t understand. I understood for them and it felt like pure hell.
So yesterday as I was thinking about this and after the little boy smiled at me. I felt God there with me in that little boy’s smile. The I went back to sitting in that chair and I talked to Him in that moment. I told him how empty I was. How I didn’t understand. I told Him that their father didn’t want them. Then I heard him speak to me in that moment. Even though I was driving in my car to the pharmacy with tears rolling down my face looking like hatchet face from the movie Cry Baby. I heard Him speak to me as I told Him that their father didn’t want them. He said “I Do, I want them”. Talk about chills!
I have no doubt that He told me this very thing that day. I just couldn’t hear Him. I was too far gone. I knew He was watching over me like I mentioned before. He was so much more than that though. He was sitting there holding my hand telling me that He wanted them even though their father didn’t. He would be their Father. The Father who knew I’d be sitting right here today writing on this blog about it. The Father who gave them a father.
Though their biological father chose someone or something other than them; he knew that a man was getting ready for us just down the street. As I was falling apart He already had a plan for my babies because He’s such a good Father. He planned our futures and I thought we were doomed for life. I prayed for someone to love us and accept us but I really didn’t think it was possible.
But here I sit. On my bed with my babies watching Sponge Bob in the living room and their daddy is at work so we can have this house we live in. So I can cook dinner tonight and dread washing the dirty dishes. So they can go to Carowinds next weekend and have some fun. So we can hit Florida on vacation and enjoy each other.God knew they would be ok and I just knew they would be damaged because I couldn’t be both mother and father.
Their Father gave them a future and I didn’t ask Him to that day. As their biological father walked away He gave them a new one who would make them his own. I never asked Him for that much. He gave it anyway. I didn’t hear Him that day as I fell apart all alone that He wanted my babies. He wanted them. He wanted them so He could give them a future. A good life.
Our life is not perfect in any way. But, in comparison to that day as the very person whose blood runs through their veins chose a girl with drugs over their little beings who only had love in their souls. Who knew nothing about drugs or evil. Who completely relied on us to teach them the way of life. He walked out on that and left me alone with 2 crawling, happy babies and another growing inside me. Not only did I have to face life alone with twins but this unborn child had to face no father either. Boy was I wrong!
I thanked Him yesterday before I got the pharmacy window. I thanked Him for giving us a life when I believed we had no life ahead of us. I asked Him for forgive me for not talking to Him that day. For not listening to His voice of comfort. For not looking for Him in that moment. I thanked Him for giving them a father, that I never asked Him to. He did it anyway. He loves us that much. He did it anyway.