It’s Hard

You know that emptiness inside that you feel? Yeah, me too. It never goes away does it? No matter what or who we try to fill it with, it just never does the trick. When we stay close to God it is filled for sure,but it’s not an easy thing to do. Not in this world. Not while doing everyday life. With everyday problems. Just the routine even when things are fine is hard to stay close to God because we are just stuck in that routine.

He is a part of  my routine. He has been for a while now and although I feel Him more and more it is still hard. It is hard to not fly off the handle when my kids are fighting for the millionth time about a hair brush or clothes or something silly. It’s hard to not yell when their brother who aggravates them to the point of tears. Telling him it’s enough. And he thinks its funny.  Boys! whew!

It’s hard when someone needs your attention and 5 other people need it too and you just don’t know which way to go. Or is that just me? When you know you need to spend time with your kids because they grow too fast and pretty soon they won’t like me because they will be teenagers. When they start having boyfriends and girlfriends and they will choose them instead of me and I will cry myself to sleep every night missing them being little. (So I may have exaggerated  a little) I’m not ready! I also have 14 loads of laundry that never has an end. I know I need to spend time with the kids, but we need clean clothes and it drives me absolutely nuts to look at that pile of clothes just heaping and falling to the ground out of the basket. It’s hard.

It’s hard for me. I’m grateful for the moments I feel His Spirit in me. I couldn’t make it without that. I really couldn’t. When you search for answers about things and you don’t know what’s “right”. He shows me in His word. Even when it is something that is hard to understand. Something that is inconvenient or could potentially be a bad thing. He always speaks to me. I’m so thankful! Thank You Lord, I can’t make it without You.  It’s hard.

It’s hard living with things in your past when they creep up and remind you of mistakes you made and the price you’ve paid for them. Then the emptiness creeps in and you remember there is a broken place inside of you and then we seek other things to avoid feeling it. That is why people are using drugs. No one in their right mind uses drugs and thinks “it’s time to destroy my life, let’s do it”. I can’t say it’s never happened, I just say it’s not a normal thought. But, who am I to say what normal is?

Either it’s by accident being young and dumb, partying or going with the wrong crowd. Or we are looking for a way out of how we feel. Instead of reaching out for help which sucks too. Asking for help sucks. Especially when you really don’t know why you need help to begin with. Luckily I had some people God sent in my life to direct me to get the help I needed. No words I could have said would have explained just how deeply damaged I was.  Thank You Lord, I see Your hand in my life to lead me here. 

Life is hard y’all. It is. Especially when you struggle like I do. I don’t have a drug addiction or anything like that but I have self-defeating thoughts. That’s how the devil got me. I second guess everything about myself. My abilities. My looks. My choices. I analyze things so much I get myself confused. God has given me a gift of discernment and It’s easy to forget. Instead of using that gift in confidence knowing it is a gift from God, I question it and look at whatever the situation is from every angle possible and I forget my first instinct.

I just don’t want to do the wrong thing. Ever. Maybe some people enjoy breaking the rules or not mind hurting other people. I am not one of those people. I’m a peace maker. I love me some peace. I don’t like conflict. Who does like that? It’s nearly impossible for me.So,needless to say, life is hard for me. I don’t like to rock the boat. I don’t like others rocking my boat.

I read Psalm 103 today and David tells me in verse 2 to not forget all that God has done. The benefits of God. How do I forget? How is it that this mighty powerful God that created the very earth I walk on I forget? I do forget. I easily forget. I forget that he cleansed me of my sins, and he heals me . He heals my sickness. (3-4)

God saved my life from destruction and He is so kind to me and full of mercy. (5) He gives me good things. (6) He really does give me so many good things. I don’t want to take those for granted with the mess that my head causes. My brain causes a whirlwind of thoughts and It wears me down. My  head starts its own thing and by the time I realize it’s off to a distant travel; I have to bring it to a halt and it’s not an easy thing to do . It may only last a few minutes and it’s off again. The brain is a powerful thing. I’m glad God created the brain. Otherwise, I’d be up the creek.

God proved His love and power to Moses as He does to me(7). I just have to look for it. He may not be in a pillar of smoke,but He is there. I just have to unclog the mess to see Him. Thank You Lord, for always being there! God is merciful to me . He is gracious to me. He doesn’t get angry with me like He should. His mercy never runs out. (8) It never runs out. He is always there cleaning up my messes. Instead of sayoing “I told you so Ashley”, He is just cleaning it up saying “its ok, let’s keep going, I love you”. God, I don’t deserve You!

Even when He is angry because some of us disobey Him time and time and time again without repentance. Without conviction. He never stays angry.(9) He doesn’t punish us for our sins. When we know we shouldn’t do something but do it anyway. (10)He doesn’t see us that way. Thank You, Lord! David says that God’s mercy is as great as the heaven is high above the earth for those of us who respect and fear the Lord. (11) I’ve been in an airplane once. and there was plenty of sky left above us. I haven’t been to outer space or anything but I have seen it on tv and read about it in books. It’s a long way. So, His mercies are even greater than that. Just for me. How amazing is that? That doesn’t give me reason to do whatever I want and know that He will forgive me. It doesn’t work like that. It just means that He knows me. He knows my intentions. He knows my weaknesses and He understands. That I keep trying when I mess up. Because I love Him. He loves me enough to cover that stuff in His mercy. He’s so good to me!

As far as the east is to the west He removes our troubles. Our sins. Our wrong choices. The things that will destroy us. He takes it all away. It no longer belongs to us. We can’t see it. Look to the east, as far as you can see and farther, He’s taken it away. Do the same to the west. Gone! David did a pretty good description of this. I’m glad. I need visuals sometimes. They help me understand more. Put it in reality and not just a vision or thought. (12)

Those of us who have good Daddy’s or maybe for some it is a grandfather. Maybe an uncle or something. Maybe it was a neighbor or some father figure God put in our lives to reflect His love for us. David describes that like a father pities his children, God pities us. (13) My daddy is great. He is loving and he is kind. He listens and he never judges me. Never. He never puts me down. He never doubts my abilities. He worked hard to provide and to guide. He isn’t perfect by any mens, but I know he loves me. I know he loves the Lord. He is a man of integrity and he is humble and has a loving and caring heart. Always willing to help others.  I’ve seen him help so many people. (ok, I”m off subject, that’s for another day). God has a soft spot for us like our daddy’s’ do. Or like that father figure does for you. If you haven’t experienced any father figure, know that God is all of this that I described as my father and so, so much more. Let Him love you like that. There is nothing like it.

God knows who we are. He created us. He formed our very beings.(14) He knows that our lives are temporary. We are here today and gone tomorrow. (15-16) God’s mercy doesn’t stop like that though. It never stops. It carries on long after we are gone.  His goodness carries on to our children. To their children. To generations to come. (17) He loves us all the same. Isn’t that amazing?

He takes perfect care of us. All He asks of us is to remember His commandments. To believe that He is Lord and follow Him the rest of our days.(18)In doing that He has a place for us in heaven with Him.(19) All of us are blessed who follow His will. (20-22) It is hard though. Even though we know all of this is true. Every single part of it. It is hard.

We don’t have to do hard things alone. He is always here. So, I’m gonna remember that today as things get hard for me. When my brain starts it’s race and I don’t know which way to turn. I’m gonna remember that God knows I have a hard time. He’s gonna walk me through it. He’s gonna show me His goodness, even when it’s hard to see.

Lord, You are so good to me. I know that I get carried away with my thoughts and I so often forget that You are there all along. That you have everything taken care of. Help me see You in all the daily messes. In the places that are hard for me. Help me remember that Your mercy has covered it all. That You alone can take care of every single thing in my life. I don’t have to do anything but trust in You. I do trust You. Lead me. To whatever place you want me to go. You are so good to me. I can’t thank You enough. Be with each person reading this. You know what they need. I want to lift each person up to You. Help them remember Your goodness when things get hard for them. Life is hard and You know exactly what we need. We love You and we trust You. 

In Jesus name,amen

 

 

 

 

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