It’s true. He is greater. Greater than anything or anyone. Psalm 93 is 5 verses that explain just that. God reigns over all the earth. God is strong and prepared. He created the world and nothing can destroy His creations unless He allows it. (1) God is everlasting.(2) Even when we are overwhelmed and bombarded with problems and our hearts can’t contain another second of it,He is greater than that. (3-4) He is true and He keeps His promises. Forever.(5)
It’s easy to read and to believe isn’t it? Especially when the day is going fine. When you didn’t have to wake up with swollen eyes from crying yourself to sleep again. It’s easy to feel when you have felt Him before and when you know that He is good. What about those who don’t know yet? I didn’t always know His goodness or His power personally.
I knew He was God. I believed Jesus died for me. I knew that he preformed miracles. I believed in my heart that Jesus died for me. I wanted Him as my savior,but I just didn’t understand just how good and how powerful He really is. It’s not always so easy to see or to remember. The darkness gets really dark at times. It’s hard to see Him there.
Praise God, this is where faith comes in. Knowing while sitting in that darkness that He is there waiting for you. I knew He loved me. I knew He cared for me. He wanted what was best for me. He had answered prayers for me. Some of them instantly, but when it got down and dirty in that darkness. I just didn’t know.
I didn’t know that he was sitting there waiting with His arms open for me. That He saw me in that darkness that I was so lost in praying to Him. He was smiling at me while I was pleading with Him because He knew I would make it out and I didn’t yet. I didn’t know there was a way out. So I crawled.I don’t even think I walked through it. I believe that on the days that I could. I crawled through that darkness. Other days I layed there. I layed there believing I couldn’t do it.
If I had a dollar for every time I told myself or someone else “I can’t do this” I’d be a rich lady right now. It was part of my daily vocabulary. I was surrounded by blessings but the darkness kept me from enjoying those blessings. That’s what it does. It tries to consume you. I smiled and laughed some. I had a few good days. I just didn’t know how all this would end.
I will probably write about my children’s father more often than not. It was my deepest pain. The loneliest time in my life. It is where I grew from. Where I lost it all. Where God rescued me. It is where I started crawling through the darkness. Alone. Or so it felt like I was alone. I know how it feels to believe in God and still feel hopeless. He didn’t feel greater than my darkness. He was though. So much greater.
He waited for me to crawl through the dark. He protected me when I couldn’t crawl. He held my hand and I never knew it. He carried me. He gave me breath because I had no strength to breathe on my own. It’s sad that another person can bring so much pain by their actions. It can. When you dedicated your life to someone who promises you to just love you no matter what. When all you ever wanted was a companion to do life with and you believe with all your soul that they are that person. When they choose otherwise it is very painful.
I feel things to the extreme. I’m what they call a “highly sensitive person”. I feel others emotions and my own emotions are massive. It sucks. Especially when you go through something like this. Unable to process the emotions that I felt on my own and the ones I felt from him was just too much sometimes. I felt his love for me, but I felt him fighting himself. I felt the darkness consuming him and I just had to watch him lose the battle.
Eventually he would talk like he used to but I could only feel the void in him where drugs took over. Hence triggering a void in me. I couldn’t save him. I had to save myself. I had to save the kids. I can’t battle drugs. Only God can do that. So in attempt to save myself and the girls who were infants at the time I had to make him leave. That hurt, but I had been struggling with his behavior for a while. I knew he was doing something and I had prayed about it. This is one of those prayers God answered for me instantly. I begged Him to show me what He was doing so we could move on. A few hours later He was fired from his job for failing to take a drug test. So, that was my answer.
I was hurt, but I was relieved that I finally knew. Now it was time to move on. We would separate and life would unfold with us seperate. We could be cordial for the kids. He could visit. Help when he could. I just couldn’t depend on him to support us as a family. It was now my priority. I thought maybe it would help him see that it was serious. We could get our lives straightened out. He would see his choices were wrong and strive to be back with me and his little girls. I had hope. I was wrong.
This may be insignificant to some. I know others have been through so much worse than a heartbreak. You also have to understand my vulnerability when starting this relationship with him. Very insecure and lonely. I attached my self-worth to him and that was not a good thing. I pray that none of you ever do that. I didn’t know my worth was found in God alone. I didn’t know that someone rejecting me didn’t define me. I didn’t know that God was so much greater than my situation. So much greater than my pain. So much greater than my loneliness. So much greater than my sorrow. I couldn’t think that far outside of my box. I hadn’t experienced God’s work yet.
He pleaded me not to make him leave, but I had to. He wouldn’t take me serious had I not. But instead of it giving him a wake up call to better himself. It allowed doors to open to destroy himself more. He took the easier path, and I watched him do it. He knew I never gave up on him and what he could have been. He may have said I did. He may have blamed me for his choices, but I feel like deep down he knew that I knew who he was. He just didn’t. It hurt.Bad.
I don’t remember that day after he left. I’m sure I was sad. I’m sure I cried, but I had cried so much before that trying to figure out what was taking him away from me that I don’t remember anything after him leaving. I remember looking at my little babies laying side by side on my bed and thinking how crappy it was. How unfair it was to them. I had never loved anything more than that man, until my children were born.
I remember packing his clothes. I was calm and sure that this was how it had to be. I finally knew what he chose over us and I was relieved. Not knowing is the hardest I think. Not knowing anything. I had dreams that I was blind over and over. That I was high on drugs and driving and I would go blind. I could see nothing but darkness. I think God was warning me. I know He was.
My darkness began before I made him leave. It had only just began and even in that state. In knowing that God had answered my prayer for Him to show me what he was doing behind my back. Why all the lies kept happening. Why he kept losing jobs. Why he never wanted to be with me. Why other people and other things were more important. Now I knew. I knew that God answered that prayer for me that very day. It was a great feeling. I was so appreciative. I still didn’t know just how Great he is.
I know you or someone you know is sitting in their own darkness. This is only the beginning of that darkness for me. It gets much worse. Much darker. It may be for you too. It may be for someone you love. God is greater than that darkness. He is greater than those things that weigh you down. It may not seem like it. It may not feel like it. It is hard y’all. It’s hard to live in darkness and still function. Isn’t it? I get it.
No matter if someone broke your heart. If someone betrayed you. If someone chose something over you. If someone is sick. No matter the reason for that darkness you have to know that there is something greater. Something with so much power who may just let you crawl through the darkness. Who will protect you when you can’t even crawl. Who will give you breath when you can’t find the strength to breathe. Who is sitting on the other side of that darkness with His arms wide open with a smile on His face, just knowing you will make it through.
He is waiting for you. You can’t give in just yet. You can’t stop now. If you need to rest then rest. You will make it. You will survive. You will see light again. You will grow. You will smile again. You will feel life again. You can do this. You can get through that darkness and then you can see just how great He really is!!
Lord, thank You for letting me crawl through that darkness that seemed so lonely. You were there the whole time. I’m sorry I didn’t know. I do thank You for that pain. I couldn’t know what I know now without it. Thank You for being so patient with me as I slowly made my way out with Your guidance. Thank You for saving me. Lord, so many people are consumed by darkness for whatever reasons. I pray that you sit with them. That they know that You are so much greater than that darkness. That You are the light even when they can’t see it yet. Thank You for allowing me to see how great You are. I pray for each person reading this. For each person they know who are living in a dark place right now. Looking for hope somewhere. Give them comfort as you did me. Guide them as you did me. Show them as you did me.As You still do. You are greater than all the earth. Nothing is greater than You. Thank You for loving us with that greatness.
In Jesus name,amen