I woke up this morning kind of feeling “blah”. I hate that. I wish I could wake up full of joy and ready for the day. I have to give myself a pep talk 9 times out of 10 and tell myself “it’s gonna be a good day” several times. This is a trick my therapist taught me. Even if you don’t feel what you are saying, say it anyway. Out loud.” It’s gonna be a good day” then I remember that” this is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it”. Sometimes my feelings haven’t caught up with that statement, but I say it anyway. I’ve also learned I can’t trust my feelings all the time. I have to stick with the Truth no matter how I “feel”.
I went to bed fine. I have no reason to feel funky,but that’s just how it goes sometimes.It’s just one of those things. I read Psalm 91 today and although I am not going to write about it; overall it fits where I am today. God is where I gotta go when I’m in a funk. It’s the safest place I can go. He’s got it taken care of we already know, so that’s what I’m gonna do.
I think all this going on with my loved one with the boundaries I’ve set has a little to do with it. It’s just emotionally draining. Even though I am not dealing with them directly. Word travels and she isn’t happy with my choice. I’m ok with that. She doesn’t have to be. She’s made some interesting statements of her feelings and I respect them. She has every right to feel what she feels. It just doesn’t line up with what I feel and it sucks. Just plain out sucks. I want more for her. She thinks I’m wrong and am trying to punish her or teach her a lesson of some kind. When all I am doing is protecting myself.
She has used some pretty powerful words like “hate”and I don’t want her to hate. Of course I don’t want her to hate me,but I don’t want her to hate anyone. Hate is miserable. It is so consuming and I wish it werent part of her journey right now,but apparently it is. There is nothing I can do about that. I just have to protect myself. It took me a very long time to be able to do that. I love it. I hate that it is hurting someone else,but I have to take care of myself and I pray she too can learn to set those boundaries for herself so she too can love herself. It’s not an easy task. At least it wasn’t for me.
I hope that her rage soon turns to just anger and God can help her see what He has for her. I can’t. I am not going to reach out and try to fix this. I didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t need to justify why I asked them not to come to my home on the day all this happened. I just thought it was best in that moment. I stand by that. With love and no harsh feelings towards them at all. I just gotta stay here.
I have to do what Psalm 91 says and let God comfort me while she hurts. He is the protection. I can sit here in my feelings and try to figure out what to do or I can take it to God and let Him comfort me. I can be comforted in knowing that I am taken care of and so is she. Its solely up to her to choose to let Him or not.
Every addict says that their family doesn’t understand them. That they feel like an outcast or have always been different from their family. All the ones I know anyway. I’ve known quite a few. Sad, but true. She says this too and it’s simply not true. It’s another lie that the enemy has planted. I can’t convince them otherwise. Neither can You. They gotta find their identity in Christ before they ever feel a part of anything. I know. I had to do the same .
I have faith that God can and will do all that His Word says. I have faith that He will protect me and cover me with His feathers like this Psalm tells me. I have faith that He will help the people I love. I have faith that He loves them and pursues them just as He does me. So, instead of taking things in my own hands and trying to make amends. Trying to figure out which way to go. I’m just gonna sit here. I’m just gonna let Him comfort me. It’s what He does. It’s what He wants us to do. Be comforted while He works it out for us.
No words can fix this right now. Hearts have to be fixed as well. I’m sure there are things He needs to fix in my heart. He’s always teaching me something. Showing me His way. So, I’m gonna chill here under His wings. So no enemy can get to me and deter my progress. I don’t have to fear what will happen next because whatever it is. He will be there. I’m gonna let Him take those worries and concerns and do His thing with them. They are no good for me. He is.
I may stay in this “blah” mood for the rest of the day. Who knows, but I don’t have to act on it. I don’t have to react with it. I’m just gonna let Him fight that spiritual battle that the enemy wants to distract me with. I don’t have the energy to do it anyway. I gotta just wait it out. I’m gonna go outside and feel the sunshine ( and probably start sweating because it’s gonna be warm). I can handle that.
I’m gonna rest while He fights for me. He’s so much better at it than I am anyway. I always end up messing something up along the way when I’m doing it on my own. So, I’m gonna let Him have it.
Lord, Thank You for fighting for me. I’ve fought in my own strength so many times and I never get it right. When You fight for me, it is never wrong. Thank You for loving me enough to protect me like You do. There are so many people needing rest. So many people fighting battles on their own and they are worn down. I know the feeling so well. Help them see that You have them covered. That there is comfort in the fight. That You are the comfort. Thank You for what You are doing. I know that Your plan is perfect. I trust You. I trust where You lead me . I trust that You are working on things and they will work it out for good because Your Word tells me so. Touch each life that is reading this. You know all their struggles and protect them as You fight for them. We praise You for all that You are and all that You do.
In Jesus name ,amen