It’s been a few days since I’ve written. I feel like it’s something I really have to do. I probably should have been doing it sooner. It’s just scary to put yourself out there like that. It’s a bit vulnerable,but It helps me. It clears my head and Lord knows I need all of that I can get.
Things have been busy. I’ve had couple extra kids some days and honestly, I’ve handled it well considering I get overwhelmed easily and anxious over nothing. My therapist is happy with my progress. Yes I am in therapy. She’s been the biggest blessing to me. If it weren’t for her. I couldn’t be where I am today. God sent her to me. I am forever grateful. I highly recommend therapy. Pray first. Let God choose them. Otherwise it is a waste of time and money.
I’ve put a lot of effort into my therapy. I did all that she asked me to do and it worked. I knew my way wasn’t working. You have to be willing to do things that seem uncomfortable or out of your comfort zone. It makes a world of difference. Which leads me to the title of today’s writing. sometimes, you just gotta say to yourself and even to others “It’s all I can do”.
That is not the usual statement for me. I’m a “go to the ends of the earth” kind of person when it comes to helping people I love. Been there. Done that. Didn’t work. You know what I mean? I went there. With my addict I was telling you about. I gave 500% and then I gave more. I would have walked in his shoes for him if I had been physically able. I would have also chained him to a post to keep him home if it weren’t considered kidnapping. Just to keep him on the right path. My path. (like my path was the right one, but you know what I mean).
I would have done anything to help him had he asked me. He didn’t necessarily ask for help. He did ask for money and sex and whatever he could to get his fix and then he was off again until he “needed” me again. That’s just how they work. That’s what the drug (the devil) does to them. Nothing else matters. Yet to hear them talk you matter more than anything. It’s quite a confusing relationship and defiantly causes damage. Not only to the person doing the drugs, but to the people who love them. Permanant damage let me add. So, don’t do drugs. If ony it was that simple right?
I mentioned a few posts back that I had a loved one who was currently on that path. No matter how much I wish things were different, the reality of it is they aren’t. It happened and may still be happening. I just don’t know. I just know that I tried. I tried to encourage. I tried to lead. I prayed and guided her to God. The only One who can help any of us with anything. Now, that’s’ all I can do.
That permanent damage from the addicts actions that I mentioned earlier kicked in and I had to set up some boundaries to protect myself. It’s not easy. It seems harsh I’m sure. Especially if she is doing the right things. I hope she is! I just can’t though. I can’t encourage her anymore. I want to. I can’t lead her to Him anymore. I’d love to. I can’t put myself out there anymore. Once a little drama kicked in I just had to stop. I can’t do drama. I just can’t.
My addict put so much drama in my life that I have become allergic to it. (not really,but it’s a good description of it) I can’t handle. I don’t deal well with it. I worked hard to overcome that stuff and I just can’t go back. No matter who it is. You know what I mean if you live with or have ever lived with or loved an addict. It kills you.
I can’t let them kill me. I can’t even let them throw a punch. I shut it down. Is that mean? I honestly don’t mean to be. I just can’t help anymore. I’ve done all I can do. Jesus is the answer. The only answer that will help. Jesus. I’ve told her. She knows this. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.
Somewhere out there is someone who is in the middle of this chaos from an addict. I feel you!! I know how discouraged and heavy that is. It is just too much isn’t it? Anytime you feel like you are ahead and feel a little stronger they come at you with something else and rip that right away don’t they? I know.
I’m not writing this to tell you what I’m doing. I’m writing to those who don’t know what to do. Who are so bombarded by the chaos that they can’t even think for themselves. Who are looking out the window because they just know that addict that they love more than life is going to show up and want something from them that they just don’t want to give up. Because it’s theirs. They took everything else and they have this one thing to hold on to. That they vowed they’d never give them. They know they will want it too.
I know how you feel. Before my addict even got to his low point (one of them) I gave my mom my rings to wear. I was afraid he would steal them. I knew when I had the twins that I couldn’t wear them to the hospital,so she wore them for me. I didn’t want him to take the rings my mama gave me when I went to prom. They are priceless you know? I know how you feel. You give to them all the time don’t you? Money, time, sex,love, food. You let them take your car. You give them rides. You pick them up. You drop them off. You do so many things out-of-the-way and they just keep on asking for more. Yep. I know all about it.
One time mine asked me to take him to his “friends” house who happened to sell drugs. I’m still not fond of this person. Let me just pray right quick because I feel a stir of hostility just thinking about her. Lord, help me not to be angry with her actions. She was supposed to be his friend and she helped bring him down. I want to forgive her. She was lost and if she hasn’t found You, I pray that she does soon. I hope she changes her life for You and sets an example for those in the future.
See, I’m telling you. This was 10 years ago. It messes a person up.I only endured it for a couple of years. It felt like 25 years. I do forgive her, but I have to keep reminding myself that because this person grew up with him. She’s known him longer than I, and could have helped him had she not been a source of his problem. Anyway, she supplied him sometimes and he begged me to take him to her. I refused for a couple of hours. Lots of tears and verbal abuse later. I took him so he would shut up.
I refused to go to her house. I dropped him off on the street she lived on and told him to walk the rest of the way. He did agree to that. I felt so dirty and worthless. I fed his addiction too. I didn’t want to. I hated myself for it. It still bothers me. I helped him get high by taking him. He just wouldn’t leave me alone until I did. I couldn’t handle another minute of arguing and him telling me how worthless of a person I was, so I took him. To get rid of him. I loved him more than anything and clearly he thought of me as a dog because he treated me like scum. So, you gotta do what you gotta do. I can’t knock you for it.
I didn’t feel sorry for him. Some enablers feel sorry for their addicts. I didn’t. He deserved whatever he got. I was hurt. Very hurt. Very broken. He just made my life hell if I didn’t do what he wanted. He didn’t hold a gun to my head or anything.Thank You Lord! He just knew that I hated drama, so he caused a lot of it. I hated arguing and he argued. He knew I didn’t like to fuss in front of the girls. So he made sure that we did. That’s how it works. They know how to work you.
Whether they give you a sob story to make you feel sorry for them or they cause drama to make you give into their wants. They will go the extra mile. They will put the work into it to do whatever it takes until you give in. It sucks. It’s a lonely road full of tears and sorrow. Lots of pain and suffering all because you love them. It isn’t fair is it? The devil has so many people like this. He feeds off of this kind of stuff. Not only the drug addicts themselves, but he feeds off of destroying all of those who love them. He breaks up millions of families over drugs. It’s sad.
I wish that I had magical advice to give you on how to fix this situation. If you have a good support system that helps. Had I let them take over and make choices for me, maybe it would have helped. I really don’t know. I can’t tell you that. I can’t tell you to just stop talking to them. I do know that helps. I do know that if you are strong enough to actually do it. It will work. It may not help them. It will help you.
For those who aren’t strong enough. I know, I was one of those. I guess I could have cut off my phone. I could have locked the door and not let him in. I did do that once though. I was afraid and luckily it didn’t get out of hand. He didn’t bust down the door or anything. It does go there for some people. He did leave, but it hurt me really badly. To turn him away like that. I loved him. I loved him so, so much. I just couldn’t let him in that night. God gave me the strength to do it for whatever reason. Although he didn’ break down the door I was still afraid of what might happen and ended up spending the night at my dads house with the girls in fear of him doing something stupid and the girls would get woken up. I just wanted them to rest. They got punished enough with all the arguing. I hated myself enough for that.
My advice? Pray. I don’t have a miraculous story of how I overcame and gained the strength to do it one day and my life changed dramatically. I love those stories. I really do. I wish I did have one like that. Then again, I’m glad I don’t. I can only point you to God. He is the answer here. He is the reason things changed for me. He is the way out.
It didn’t change overnight. I don’t have one of those stories either. Mine is ugly, and dark, and hard. It wasn’t changed the next day, not even the next week, or the next year. It was a long, hard road of many,many tears and pain. Many hard memories and regrets and lessons learned. Many blessings too. Things got worse before they got better. They did get better though and that is what will happen for you too.
I guess that God knew that I couldn’t remove this person from myself on my own. I loved him too much to just turn my back. He loved me too much to just leave me. Or he hated me enough to stick around and make me miserable for pleasure. Whatever the case, It had to be in someone elses hands. I couldn’t stop trying. I just couldn’t give up the fact that I knew in my soul that he could change. I knew he had it in him. He just needed to see it and want it too. He would rather punish me than breathe it felt like. I just couldn’t not believe that he was made for more. I know how you feel. I know you feel the same about who you love too.
Pray. I needed my addict to leave me because I couldn’t cut him out completely. I just couldn’t.I needed him to do it. He wouldn’t. I could kick him out of my house. I could keep the kids from him (if he let me) if he was messed up. I just wanted him to get to the person I knew he could be. With or without me. Not for me. That would have been a bonus. For the kids? Yes. For himself most of all. He needed to know what he was capable of. He never knew. I always knew.
So I prayed. In misery because my heart was completely shattered. I had no hope. The kids lives were going to be ruined by him because he didn’t put them first and I just couldn’t do that to them. I had to make their lives worth something. They deserved a chance. They didn’t choose this for themselves. They needed more than an addict father. They deserved more than me too,but I was all they had. I had to choose better for them. He couldn’t do that for us. So,I begged God to get him out of my life. Whatever it took, but I couldn’t take another minute of it. So, He did.
Maybe I should have begged God for repentance or something. For him to become a good father and role model. I don’t know if that would have changed anything or not. I wasn’t as close to God as I am now. I did know that He was the only thing left.I was already gone emotionally and broken. The girls deserved a chance at least. Not only that,but I was pregnant with our son too. I was a complete mess. You aren’t the only one. It can get better. It does get better. Even if it seems worse for a little while.
Give it to God. Tell Him to take it. That’s my advice. It’s all I’ve got. You learn so much that way. You learn about Him most of all and how He lines things up for His purpose. What seemed like a horror story now is a memory. Full of purpose to give hope to those who are going through the same things. It’s all the same. No matter who it is. The drug addicts are all in the same destructive cycle. We need to pray y’all. That God will intervene and get the drugs and their destruction out of our lives. That He will take over and change things for us and for those we love who are addicted.
There is hope. God is the hope. His plan(as messy as it gets) is perfect. It’s beautiful. Let Him take your life and do His thing with it. Just hold on and roll with the punches. Take the steps He gives you on the right path. One at a time. Learn the things He as for you to learn. So, when someone else is in the place that you have been you can help them too. You can set up healthy boundaries and show them that it’s a good thing. Even if it seems bad to the one who it affects the most. You can pray and let God handle it. It’s all you can do.
Lord, I’m grateful for the things You have changed in my life. You know in the ways that drugs have affected my life. You know all the pain. You know all the fears. You’ve kept track of all the tears. I was never alone. Thank You! Please touch every life that is in turmoil due to drugs. God, You are the only way things can change.Help us turn to you. Help those we love who are bound by addiction turn to You for help and guidance. Be with all of those who are hurting and lost. Lead them to You. Send them someone to help guide them to You. Break the chains that holds us down by the destruction of others choices. We know that only You can. Thank You for loving us enough to save us from that life.
In Jesus name, amen